I so very wish I were a delicate, gentle girl with proper sensibilities which became offended and guarded at the crass and extreme. I would have creamy pale skin and inky hair and honey eyes that had nothing but softness and light in them, and a mind which struggled to ever start to reach the edge of depression, instead living high in the clouds and sun. There would be no reason to abandon a sound path set on education and New Years Eve and my birthdays would still be exciting, and my heart would still ache when I forgot to wash the dishes so my mom had to do them and swears harsher than "damn" would be unheard of. I wouldn't even think about boys until I was 19, and the only kind who would talk to me would be quiet and gentle too, with a strong resolve, and there would be no worries if it was 3 years before we had sex, we'd be companions and the core of it all would be love and kindness. I would find a healthy group of people and hobbies and never make the decisions that make me hate myself and question what my worth to the world is, and if I could ever become what some people used to look at me, smile and tell me I could be. I'm really not a person, I don't think I have a conscience, except maybe sometimes in hindsight. I hurt people and myself and I have a disregard and irreverence for things that matter and I can't be fazed and I'm slowly becoming a danger to everything I've worked for and I think one day I'll wake up and find myself in a dark room with a minimum wage job and not even care that I could have gone to Russia or found a cure and helped the world or helped countless people find hope and love in themselves instead. I'm a pitted person with nothing but self hatred and guilt and countless tears to selfishly cry over all the time I've already wasted and all the things that I wish were said or done to me but never were. I need to be given other people's love and words or an inordinate amount of sadness takes shape in my head. I'm not strong, or smart, or beautiful in the way I should be inside. I'm a shallow selfish brat with a whorish mind and body who likes obscene people and piercings and nasty thoughts and troublesome words and shock value and I didn't want to be delicate in this way.